It had been a normal day - worked hard and came home tired and glad it was Wednesday. First things first - let the cats out - not too hot today. Fill their dry food and water dishes - make the bed, even if it is 6:00 - can't stand sleeping in a bed with wrinkles. Put the knife and plate left from my husband's breakfast in the dishwasher. Oh, there's a message on the phone. Check the messages and one is for me from my friendly family doctor with instructions to call his patient infomation voicemail line. Okay. Dial, enter the numbers needed and Lydia says "Hello Hannah - we've received the results of the MRI/MRA you had done and you have a blockage on the right upper quadrant of your front brain and an aneurism on the left mid-section of your brain. You need to call and make an appointment with a neurology specialist at your earliest convenience....".
Right.
Why do the knees buckle first? Think things through. No point in worrying about something if you don't have all the facts. No point in calling the kids and worry them. Oh damn, have to tell Louie and he'll freak. It was better not knowing. Push it back and maybe it will go away. Yes BUT...your Mother had aneurisms and they cost her half her brain. If you push it back and ignore it you will really look ugly with half your head gone. Damn it again.
Okay, breathe deep and call your daughter. You can tell her anything and when it's not her or her kids she really is calm and gives great advice. Okay - call her. No answer. Call the cell. No answer. Shit - you finally get the nerve to call her and no one ever answers the phone. This must be a sign...you know how you believe in signs. It's TUT's way of saying don't tell anyone. I have to tell someone it's eating me alive. Okay call the son in law and see if he answers. YES! He answers. Oh, she's scapbooking?? Now?? Would it be okay if I called her? Are you sure? I don't want to be a pest. (Yes I do!!) Thanks - call her cell. No answer. Ten minutes later the phone rings and it's her and she is scrapbooking with her friends and no, it's okay. So what did you want to talk to me about??
As expected Ms. Calm advises me to stay cool, tell her dad about it and not worry. Great advice. It feels better just telling her about it.
I did call her dad and he did freak and has continued to freak for the past 3 weeks. I have attempted to get an appointment with Barrow Neurological here in Phoenix since they are considered the best, and with luck I might actually see a doctor there before the end of the year. As time goes on I keep coming up with logical answers to the fears that sneak in. I could have had this my whole life and just never knew. Who knows how long it's been there and I've been just fine. According to an episode of Six Feet Under, if the aneurism blows I die instantly with blood steaming down my nose and I don't feel a thing. Everyone feels really sorry and I get a lot of attention, even if it is too late. I appreciate the thought.
Of course, I really, really want to have my farm, sheep, llama, and chickens and see my grandchildren grow up and go off to college, if there is college that is affordable in 20 years. I also want to see how my husband and I look when we're 80 years old and have been together for 50 years. Will he still be a biker and me a crafter? Will we be crazy old folks with a wicked sense of humor and will I want to feed the kids all the time like their grandma does? I hope I still love shoes when I'm 80. I'll keep my hair red too. Just to bug people if nothing else. I plan to swear too.
So, it gets me down that I can't get the damn appointment, which indicates I do want to stick around and see how things play out for all of us, but some days it's hard. I get frustrated and mad. Mad at the genes that made this happen. Mad at Barrow for taking so damn long. Mad at my husband for wanting me to not bend over or work in my garden, but thankful he is helping out more. Mad that we live here and the kids live far away and we should be together. I need my friend. I need my kids and their little ones. It makes me happy and I laugh more when I'm with them.
I need to laugh A LOT now.
~ Hannah
1 comment:
well nice blogs indeed
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